Obama has the dealer in his pocket for the heads-up poker match with Assad. The dealer slips Obama an Ace from the bottom of the deck. While some witnessed the sleight of hand, others said it was an authentic deal.
Obama’s sitting on Big Slick, holding a King of course and his secret Ace, while Assad is dealt a lousy 2-7 off suit, widely considered the worst starting hand in hold ’em.
With the hole cards dealt both players hold them close to the vest. Obama makes the first bet “All in!” he says, seemingly throwing caution to the wind but really knowing all along that the game is rigged.
The commentators clamor in excitement for the possibility of the ultimate televised showdown for the entire purse. Assad, not expecting such an aggressive posture before all the cards are dealt, shuffles in his seat as his brow glimmers with sweat.
“All in” was no laughing matter. Assad’s stack had been steadily dwindled down by opponents sponsored by Obama to where he barely managed to make it this far in the tournament.
A quick glance at Obama’s stack reveals at least 1000 Tomahawk cruise missiles with the estimated damage value of 10 years Syria’s GDP (sorry, not calculated in liters of blood). With apparently nothing to lose, Assad quickly calls.
The commentators are beside themselves with joy as the crowd swells to unprecedented levels to participate in this prime-time showdown.
The first community card is a King and the world was sure Obama would take the purse, but some began to suspect the dealer was corrupt and demanded a fresh hand.
Facing heavy odds, Assad was relieved when the new dealer Cameron promptly delivered a 2 and a 7 to complete the flop, giving Assad two pair. This so enraged Obama that Cameron was removed as dealer.
The crowd began to rally for the underdog Assad. A come from behind victory now seemed possible, but the new dealer was another Obama appointee.
Kerry, who was not a polished card handler, knew the Aces were on the bottom of the deck and all he had to do was slip one out as quickly as possible. Yet he fumbled it so miserably that much of the audience saw him as a cheat.
Now, with the audience so heavily invested in the match, they demanded an independent gaming commissioner to come in and deal out the final card.
Theme music starts as the Russian Bear enters the room wearing mirrored sunglasses indoors, shirtless except for a dealer’s vest. Some people chanted “You’re the man. You’re the man.” Although eccentric, he was very clearly that: a man among spoiled boys.
Putin smirked just before he played the final card and told Obama that his luck had run out. He had overplayed his hand. That his Ace-in-the-hole was actually a Joker. And that no matter what card was played next, he was destined to lose.
But before Assad could relax at the good news, Putin warned him that the next card wouldn’t help him either. The whole game was a misdeal, and Assad and Obama must return to the lower proxy tables before they can return to the prime time.